On marriage

A BEGINNERS GUIDE TO MARRIAGE:

The first thing to know about marriage is that nobody and I mean nobody is "truly" and 100% ready for marriage. The thing is you don’t have to be a control freak and try to be super ready for every possible scenario. This is impossible anyway. Some things are just not in your control. Yes, you can do what is in your power to prepare yourself, but inevitably there will be things that you are totally not prepared for. The sooner you accept this fact, the better. You can try your utmost best, and then leave the rest to Allah Swt (God). One should however take all the necessary steps in an attempt to prepare for marriage. For example read books on marriage. Do not just read kitaabun nikaah (or any other book for that matter) and assume that that’s enough. Read a variety of sources. Be it books, magazines, articles etc. Also listen to lectures on marriage. Edris Khamissa’s c.d’s are brilliant and quite comprehensive. They cover many vital points, and listening to them will be a real eye opener (I promise you that). It's worth it to check them out. No one is forcing you to do your research but it will really be beneficial and make your life easier. Its up to you.

Bear in mind that for a marriage to work, one has to really work at it with full sincerity. It does not just happen (not by magic or any other fancy way). This is what people fail to realize nowadays. And remember, reading up on marriage or listening to talks about marriage is NOT lame or gay(this goes for the guys especially). You will reap the benefits and rewards if you do so, trust me on this. Many cases of divorce are due to the fact that a lot people have fanciful expectations about marriage. Marriage is NOTHING like a fairytale. In the real world people have faults and people make lots of mistakes. Keep this in mind at all times. If you make mistakes then remember your partner will too. If you consider yourself perfect perhaps consider seeing a psychologist. Marriage is not just love and kisses and rainbows and unicorns. It is quite difficult, but it’s not impossible to make your marriage work and to have a happy marriage. This aspect will be discussed in detail later on.

Moreover, (for those who are not married yet) I hope that before you get married you know enough background information about your future partner. It is never a good idea to be blinded by love and infatuation and forget to find out about what is really important. For example if your partner has a criminal record you should definitely know about it (I pray that they don’t though). Enquire about the character of your future spouse from his/her family and friends. It is nice (and more importantly helpful) to know what kind of person you are getting married to. The ideal would be to ask the domestic worker (as they know all the secrets of the home). Wait I’m joking. This is not a must.

Furthermore the whole dunya (world) will offer advice about marriage. This is normal. They are just trying to help. You are an intelligent, thinking, rational human being. You can gauge for yourself what is nonsense and what may be helpful/applicable. Do not take all the advice you hear. Think about it carefully first. Please. Never ever tell your spouse to do something because somebody else said that the two of you should/must do that. This is counterproductive. This is a friendly warning to everyone. If you make this mistake you will most probably regret it. Also remember that what works for your friends, parents, colleagues won’t necessarily work for you and your partner. This does not mean that you should not take advice from anybody. Ask for advice from wise persons, whom you admire and look up to BUT at the end of the day do what works for you and your spouse. Do what makes Allah (God) happy first and foremost, and then what makes each other happy (as long as that corresponds to what pleases Allah).

Another important point to keep in mind is that do not expect your marriage to be wonderful if you and your spouse engage in acts that earn the displeasure of Allah (God). If you commit forbidden acts together ask Allah (God) for forgiveness and try not to repeat it. If you want your marriage to be successful you have to obey the Mighty One who is in control of the success of your marriage. Do not be afraid to help each other in attaining Jannah (paradise). Shaitaan (The devil) will always try to break up a marriage which is founded on strong Imaan and good intentions. He wants to see peoples' marriages destroyed. Don’t let him get that pleasure. Fight for your marriage and be strong and committed. Don't be afraid to make taubah (ask for forgiveness). You will make Allah (God) happy if you have the courage to ask for His forgiveness. And remember: His Mercy has NO bounds.

Lastly keep reviewing your intentions. If you got married because you were madly in love, alter your intention. Try and make your intention that you got married purely for the sake of Allah (God), to earn His pleasure and to protect yourself from zina (adultery) and sin. A marriage started with good/pure intentions will be a beautiful one insha Allah (God-willing). We are human and our intentions may not be good and pure all the time but we CAN change our intentions. By changing our intentions we can change ourselves for the better. The first step is having good intentions for verily every action depends on your intention. Like I said we all make mistakes but we need to review our lives often and adjust those things that are not working or those things that are taking us away from our Creator/from Worshipping Allah (God)*.

*please note that worshipping God does not only refer to performing the 5 obligatory prayers. It includes being kind, honest, helpful, sincere, etc. Remember that Islam is a way of life. It's living your life in a way thats geared towards attaining paradise, where one is not selfish and materialistic but rather lives for a higher purpose.